Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Things I Carry

I had lunch today with two coworkers (both older men, if it makes any difference to the story) who mentioned being on diets before we placed our orders. One of them asked, subsequent to our discussion about working out, if I was working out. I snorted into my bacon-ed and sauced sandwich.  Mothering takes up most of my time, I said.  It's not like I like not working out.  It just hasn't happened. I may have mentioned this before. Several thousand times.

So (rough transition alert) I wonder if I might be somewhat motivated to stop compulsively eating candy (and sandwiches and fat and carbs and) if I adopt a technique runners sometimes use to mark their marathon mileage: give each mile - or pound - a name.  A cause.  I am carrying so much STUFF right now of which I just need to let go.  Maybe this is a metaphor I can make work for me.  What do I need to lose?
I need to lose more than this, but an initial 30 14 things* to leave behind is a good postpartum place to start. Here are the ideas to lose, change, or adopt:
  1. That I'm worth less because there's more of me (right now).
  2. That size doesn't matter.
  3. The notion that things will ever be the same again.
  4. The idea that breastfeeding has shit to do with weight loss, for me.
  5. That I can eat my way to a better mood.
  6. That I'm in this alone.
  7. That I'll never be a good mom.
  8. That I'll never accomplish things again.
  9. That I failed my daughter during her delivery
  10. That I somehow didn't try hard enough to push her out.
  11. That there's not enough time.
  12. That I'm in control of everything.
  13. That I'll never be in control of anything again.
  14. That I'll ever be in control of anything again.
*The other 16 things will come. Let's see about the first 14.

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