Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Married people vs. parent people

Today is our third wedding anniversary.  Traditionally, leather is the right gift.  Modernly, crystal or glass.  For us: diapers.

Kids make anniversaries look different.  You remember the fun of the day.  You remember the vacations. The drinking. The school-night dates.  The sleep.  The other stuff. And you wonder: what the hell were we thinking those nights we stayed in? Those weekends we didn't travel? Those vacations we didn't get around to?  Those drinks we didn't drink?  Those careers we didn't pursue?  Those chances we didn't take?

Marriage never seemed like the leap childbearing did.  Probably because on my wedding day nothing changed.  My best friend was waiting for me in a pretty room wearing a nice suit, I dressed up, we had a hell of a party, wrapped up the night with Don't Stop Believin', and continued on loving each other, being in love, and spending our lives together.  In many ways, our true anniversary is June 11, right around the moment we stood, side by side, near a tunnel in Golden Gate Park, listening to musicians take advantage of great acoustics, both already feeling like a kiss would be a good idea, but not saying anything.  My husband holds fast to the date we met.  This doesn't mean the vows we spoke aloud that day didn't mean something, rather, the commitment had to be there before that day or that day would've just been really expensive and impermanent.

What slapped a true sense of permanence on this affair? Pregnancy.  I remember thinking really clearly at the start of my pregnancy that now, truly, we were linked for good.  I'm romantic but I'm not foolish - shit happens. Intentional shit, accidental shit, unplanned shit, drifting shit, lots of shit.  But now there'd be a third person, half me, half him, here.  And even if, God and heaven forbid, she's not here for our forever, she will always have been and she will always be half him and half me.

There's lots of married people things I miss but I know we're just pausing a bit on those.  We've had a date night since Fidg came along - a fine meal at a favorite restaurant.  No, I don't have a sitter on speed dial yet, but I'm also not ready to leave our precious anniversary gift on her own yet - barely with relatives, let alone strangers.  And that's okay for me and it has to be okay for him too, for just a while longer.  Everything is just a while these days - she's growing so fast.  I marvel at the age of my niece and nephew, at the ages of friends' children.  They are older and soon, Fidg will be older too.  There's time for solo/duo married people stuff.  Right now, we're a trio exploring things together and enjoying it pretty well whenever we can.

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